Feminism & Patriarchy Vs Equality

Feminism & Patriarchy Vs Equality

“Get up fast Shefali. The boy’s family can arrive any moment,” Shefali’s mom shouted in an irritating tone.

“So? Let them wait,” was the immediate reply of Shefali.

Shefali was in her early thirties. She was an independent, good looking and charming lady. She was well earning and was strictly against the male chauvinistic norms of the society.

“Shut –up! Don’t forget that you are a girl,” Shefali’s mother uttered in a casual tone.

This was the favourite debate topic for Shefali. She started with her full-rehearsed speech:

“Why do you always make me realize that I am a girl? I know, I am a girl and I am proud to be a girl. Why do you have to differentiate between a girl and a boy? I have all the qualities of a boy, in fact in some aspects, more than boys, then why do you give them the undue advantage? This type of thinking is damaging the society. Boys think, they are superior to us and that becomes the root cause behind all the crimes done to the females.”

“Stop, all this bakwas (nonsense). Get out from the bed and start dressing up. And for God’s sake do not open your mouth in front of the boy’s family, regarding these issues. Just answer politely only whatever is being asked to you. ”

Shefali was not of the ‘anti-marriage-thinking’ type of girl. Only thing she wanted was importance, importance over the boys’ community. She proudly called herself ‘a typical feminist’ and would go far ahead when it came to debating for female rights. She had the strong feeling that women have been and are still suffering at the cruel hands of patriarchy. This thinking of her often led to heated discussions in her family when her father expressed his views regarding females’ non-possession of mathematical brain at par with males or non-ability of the females to clear IIT in higher number every year.

Her mother didn’t try to impose her non-feminism to her, until that hindered her marriage prospects. In fact, she was indifferent to the strong views of Shefali’s. Her only worry was quite a few number of marriage proposals had been rejected by the boy’s side because of her displaying of an independent and free attitude. She knew if another year or two passed, then with the type of attitude she was carrying, marriage would be a distant dream. Shefali wanted equal treatment for both the sexes and that seemed near to impossible in an arranged marriage of an Indian Society.

The boy arrived about thirty minutes later than the promised time. Considering the grandeur of the boy’s side in an Indian society, this late was considered to be within permissible limits, although Shefali did not forget to register this as a fault of the boy. She watched from the window of her room. He was good-looking and Shefali felt her mother had a good choice as far as the matter of looks was concerned. She wanted to ask his name to her mother but resisted herself, more or less due to ego issues. She had initially shown herself to be least interested in his profile and didn’t bother to query about his name.

“Shefali. Get ready soon and please wear some saari. Don’t forget to put bindi and bangles,” her mother shouted as she went to the door to welcome them.

“Why should I dress up for some stranger? I will dress up whenever I feel so. Am I some product to be displayed? I am not doing these stupidities,” Shefali uttered in disgust.

“Do as you wish. But come soon,” her mother shouted knowing very well that she would anyways do whatever she felt like.

Shefali had the record of contradicting all the age old traditions which focused on superiority of males. She put on a simple cotton kurta of grey colour with white leggings and white dupatta. She deliberately chose a dull colour kurta, so as to put forth a casual look. She immediately realized the prospects of being asked to cover her head with the dupatta, so she removed the dupatta immediately. “There was no point in giving false hope to someone,” she thought.

After about fifteen-twenty minutes, when the boy’s party had settled, Shefali’s mom brought her in front of the boy's family. All eyes turned on Shefali. She felt irritated and very uncomfortable as all the eyes scanned her from head to toe. She cursed the Indian system of arranged marriage procedure. She was thinking of ways and means to introduce gender sensitization in this field as well. Soon, the eyes found other items to be admired when the tray full of samosas, laddoos and other snacks appeared in them. They ate them and praised the quality of the food. Shefali was feeling herself to be one of those laddoos served on the plates. “It is such a pity that after being educated and having an high income, this is what the plight of girls is in our society,” she thought

 Shefali was asked to be seated as if some kind of pity was shown to her. She learnt from the discussions that the boy had studied in some engineering college and placed in a reputed company. She had a plenty of questions, but she recalled the advice given to her by her mom.

The in-laws were happy to learn about the job profile of Shefali. They were open minded and had no problem in their allowing her to work in a private company even after marriage. Shefali wondered why does she needed any ‘allowance’. No one had the audacity to ‘allow’ a man do job, then why can’t the same be for women?

The boy’s family were almost okay to the marriage. But before that both the families decided to let the prospective bride and groom talk to each other in private and get comfortable to each other. This was also a show of ‘higher-degree-of-openness’.

“Hi! I am Aniket,” said the boy who thought it to be his duty to start the conversation.

“Hi! I am Sheflali” They both shook hands as if in a formal meeting.

“So you work in which MNC?” asked Shefali taking dominance in asking questions.

“I work with the Tata Consultancy Services,” answered Aniket.

Shefali tried to talk about every possible matter she felt was necessary from arranged marriage point of view, in the limited time slot. First and foremost, she wanted to know about Aniket’s ideologies and opinions on female’s independence and freedom. Aniket was a very open minded man and had no problem in female’s freedom. In fact he went a step ahead and criticized all those men who think females to be inferior to them. The best part of him that was liked by Shefali was that he did not consider women to be some idol and goddess, whom everyone should respect.  His views were, “She is also a human being with blood and bones and had equal chance of making mistakes as that of boys. Females do not require respect; just a sense a equality would be more than enough for her.” Shefali almost immediately fell in love with this ideology of his. She began to like the boy, but she had to mark him on other aspects as well. She had a 10 point scale and final judgement to accept or to refuse the guy would depend on the overall score.

Shefali said with a smile on her face, “That’s good. But I have other questions as well.”

“It’s ok. Just go ahead. I am all set for the interview,” Aniket said with a smile. He was a perfect arrange-marriage material.

Sheflali then cleared her long list of doubts which might lead to confrontations post marriage. It included the consequences of her transfer from present office to some out stationed office, the possibility of losing her financial independence, the necessity of changing her sir name, the compulsions on fasting on some customary occasions etc.

Aniket successfully answered all the questions and each reply left a deeper mark in her heart than the former. He had already registered a score of 9 in Shefali’s heart. Shefali was convinced that probably Aniket was his dream boy whom she had been waiting for years.

Aniket’s turn of knowing her prospective bride, lasted too short. He just wanted a peaceful life which involved good-behaviour from both sides of the family. His demands and expectations were too simple which Shefali had no problem in accepting. With this, there was an informal agreement in affirmation without words between the two. Now the conversation revolved around other matters.

In a casual way Shefali asked sipping the mango juice from the glass using the straw provided, “How much do they pay you? I have heard TCS, pays huge to their experienced staffs.

“Eighty-thousand a month plus other routine allowances,”Aniket said biting a large chunk of the samosa in his plate.

Shefali released the straw held between her lips just to say, “Are you kidding? I am getting a salary above one lakhs and they are paying you just eighty?”

“It’s good that you have a 6 digit salary,”Aniket was embarrassed. “With the next increment, mine would also touch one lakh,” he tried to hide his embarrassment.

“You earn less than me!”

“Yes, I do, but I do not find any problem with that. I consider females to be equally capable than males; it might be possible that either sexes can have a greater or a lesser salary. Only thing we should be worrying about is that whether our salary would be sufficient to meet our family expenses and the standard of our living and I think that would not be a problem? Do you have a problem in that?”

Shefali didn’t say a word. Of course, she had a problem. How could she marry someone earning less than her? What will her friends say? Her relatives would comment, “Didn’t you get a guy equal in status to your?” Moreover the words ‘our salary’ caught hold of her ears. It meant, she had to contribute equally for their family; which was not something acceptable to her. She had always known that girl’s income was exclusively for her demand fulfillment and the boys are responsible for running the family wheels. Aniket's logic of equality which Shefali admired few minutes ago was now creating a problem for Shefali.

She changed the topic to domestic work. Aniket not only passed the test but passed it with distinction. He could handle household chores with perfection better than Shefali. Except for the salary part, Aniket had been successful in all the tests. As far as the bride was concerned, Aniket didn’t seem to have any problem.

The families then came back and it was understood that the stipulated time provided to know each other was over. The boy’s family took their leave with the promise to let them know about the final decision of the boy, which was anyways in affirmation.

After they went, Shefali’s mother curiously and excitedly asked her daughter about the meetings of Shefali and Aniket. Shefali highlighted the salary difference aspect. She very innocently cornered all those ideologies in which Aniket had scored a perfect 10 and which formed the basis of her judgement before the salary aspect came into picture.

Her mother had another aspect of thinking, “If the husbands have a lower salary, they take it as an ego issue and marriages do not run smoothly. And what would our friends and relatives say? And why do you have to give a part of your earnings for your family? Husbands are supposed to take the responsibility of running the house. If he is asking you to contribute, then that shows his incapability. I think we should look for some better proposals. There would not be dearth of good bachelors for you. We didn’t inquire about his salary so much. It’s our fault beta.”

By the little time, Shefali spent with Aniket, she knew that ego issues would not be with Aniket, but with her. This time Shefali was happily convinced with the logic provided by her mother, because she had similar thoughts deeply imbibed in her mind as well, which even the power of feminism within her could not uproot. The mind-set of patriarchy dominated over feminism which caused Shefali to refuse Aniket’s marriage proposal. 

To change this mind-set to gender-equalization Shefali will probably might have to wait for centuries!